Life is a paradox...

what you want, you dont get
what you get, you dont enjoy
what you enjoy is not permanent
what is permanent is boring.....

complacency seems to be very hard to achieve...
especially to our kind....who doesnt have anything that binds with our partner.....is love enough???

One time while walking alone, a lonely road....
boy meets boy.....
laugh at each others simple jokes...
shared intimate moments...
even made promises of lifetime partnership....
Life is complete.......
I thought....

days, months, years after....
here I (we) am again....walking alone in this lonely road.....feeling empty....blank faced.......with so many questions in mind.....seems like a cycle?

should i give up......???

i will never give up....
i will never stop hoping that once again in this lonely road i will find someone who`ll brighten my life....for another time..
i will never stop hoping that someday ill go out there, walking, happy, and contented with someone very special...
I will never stop hoping/thinking that pain will have its end.....
I believed that love will save me from breaking in this lonely road...

Will you walk with me?


Conclusion: Am a hopeless romantic.... ay wait... witless romantic rather

Ang baduy ko eh noh

(got this from a friend... plagiarism at its finest! hehehehe)


Things I have learned...

1) People tend to oversell themselves.
2) People do get tempted, it up to u how far u'll let it go.
3) People will judge u based on ur looks.
4) Nobody ever looks like their pics.
5) There are a lot of over sexed people out there.
6) Don't fall in love w/ someone u haven't met
7) Don't say i love you if u don't mean it.
8) 90% of the guys u'll meet either work in a call center or work in a medical related field.
9) During the date n he tells u has to go somewhere later or has a friend stop by means he's not interested.
10) Stay away frm people 6 yrs youngr than you or people 21 and below if you r lukin 4 a relationship its not worth the trouble.
11) People who use other peoples faces are really ugly.
12) There are a lot of desperate individuals out there.
13) Wen you say "kahit ano"its often considered an open invitation for sex.
14) Most good looking people are snobs.
15) Posting ur cell number on your profile makes u look desperate.
16) Short people r often the ones concerned with the height of their partners.
17) Size does matter.
18) Top or bottom is the question often asked by tops.
19) People who put "in a relationship" in their profiile n r still very active in this site are realy lukin for sumone else.
20) When during a date n he brings out his cell more thn 3x it also means he's not interested.
21) When people say i look young 4 my age, it actually means he looks like his age.
22) Its a good idea to make sure u "add up" a guy b4 giving him ur no. It'll help later on.
23) Saying "Let's meet sometime" w/o actually setting a date means "i'm busy dating someone but u look like a prospective date"
24) Texting someone if he has eaten is an overused courting technique but still very effective if used correctly.
25) I don't have a picture on my profile either means: a) i'm married b) i have a boyfriend c) i'm ugly d) i just came out or e) all of the above
26) When he calls or texts u immediately after u first met means he's interested.

Don't I Ever Get Tired?

My life, love life to be exact, seems to really be one roller coaster ride (read earlier post with roller coaster in title).

Its a wonder for me after all I have gone through, I still feel everything so keenly. Parang its always a first time for me. The joy, laughter, towering anger, sadness and of course, pain. All these feelings are always fresh when they come my way.

Recently I have tried to do new stuff because of this new person I met. Ending, I flopped and floundered misserably at it.

Got to talk to my best bro last weekend, syempre as usual, I told him everything that transpired. Told him each scene blow-by-blow.

After telling my tale, my best bro said something that made my mouth drop and was at a total loss for something to say. He said "pahinga ka muna bro, di ka pa ba napapagod?".

I usually have something to retort, a witty remark, a clever quip, or something. But that question left me dumbfounded. As in, napa "ha?" lang ako. All i could come up with was a lame "onga eh". Though it made me thinking. Pagod na ba ako?

Then it hit me. Yes im tired. But why the fuck am i still doing this? The idea dawned to me (parang sunrise talaga? hahaha), I will have my time. Sounds so cliche-ish, everything happens for a reason. I dunno if im just making myself feel better by thinking that. Ito pa, another sappy thought that passed through my mind, all these things happening or has happened to me will only make me stronger. Para when the "ONE" finally arrives, I'll be free from all my issues, hang-up's and what not. Parang bang being burned in the past will make me clean. Think ore, after the burning, only gold will remain.

Drama eh noh?!?

Things I should avoid like the PLAGUE...


1. Acid (LSD) - numerous i-cant-remember-anything moments...

2. Soupy Snax (in vast quantities)- nakasuka after drinking more than 2 mugs

3. Smint (yung bang gawin mani pag kain)- gave me the runs.. not a mild laxative if taken en masse

4. Long haired guys - got burned by 3 na

5. Chinky eyed men - smiling eyes can be disastrous for me

6. Chinky eyed, long haired guys - hala lagot! combination of the two, patay tayo dyan!

7. Sagitarian guys - too much free spirit. Hirap sabayan ng lipad.

8. Guys born under the year of the Rat, Horse and Rooster- proven, we dont get allong that well.

9. Greenhills after pay day - waldasan ng pera ito!!

10. Out of town exodus with almost complete strangers - Gawd! aint that a smashing thing go through?

11. Making new "friends" outside my circles - Stick to what I have... Got enought for this lifetime. Plus wala nang corny lets-get-to-know-each-other-more moments.

12. Going out with a guy who is in the middle of the fun stage- ang saya saya nito, parang pasko. puro laro dito, laro dun.. Sakit sa ulo

Galera and Back Again

Did one of the, I can say, the most inane thing I have ever done in my whole life.. Literally inane and down right dumb.

For starters, I'll give you a brief insider on the crazy notions bubbling in my head and somehow find its way in making me doing it..

Those who know me, as in really know me, can say for sure im not the friendliest person on earth. Its not that I dont have friends (for that, I dont have that many friends compared to others but for sure Im not lacking), its just that Im comfortable with the circles I already have.

For the sake of trying soomething new, i decided to "try" and make new friends. Not a total disaster though not a glowing success either.

Tried making "new friends" in the usual and most convenientwatering hole for PLU's, the internet. Used my online account, which i consider the cleanest (if not slowest) gateway to meet people. Connexion.org (tama bang i-advertise?? hehehe). I chose connexion coz the people their are more "decent", well the site itself reeks with decency.

Fast forward...

Met this totally cool guy. As luck would have it, i was smitten agad (duh, hopeless ay no, witless romantic kasi piopips!). Panalo sana in my book, sumablay lang in the stage he is in (playing around stage). Knowing myself, I figured its ok. Kayang kaya. Though he said some misleading lines but mistake me coz i made it so convenient (lyrics sa madonna song? hehehe). Presumed to much..

Moving along....

After going out a couple of times with cool guy, I decided to set my cap on this one. Good catch, i thought. (ito na ang main topic of the story... haba ng intro eh noh!). He mentioned during our 2nd "date" that he would be going to Puerto Galera one weekend, and asked me if I wanted to go. Not knowing my monetary status then, i just gave a vague "ah talaga? sige" answer. As days went by, me and cool guy chatted days away on ym. popped the question who is going to galera. He said, "2 of my friends from connexion". Right then and there I was hesitant to join na. But there was this stupid voice inside of me whispering "sama ka na... ayus lang yan.. he'll be there..." (hala lagot!! im hearing voices!!! hahahaha). Fished for some info about these friends of his, back ground check if you will. From what ive gathered, friends sila yun lang. Blah blah blah.. in short, i gave my word that ill go. Had a dread feeling about it though, but i ignored the damn thing. Cool guy even wanted me to meet the other 2 people coming with to galera. Met up with one. He is ok (lets call him perky boy). Had a great evening with him, but my eye was set on cool guy.

Getting there....

Finally the day came. Being pio, nang dun ako on time. And they were late. Cool guy arrived 15 minutes after the designated time. the rest followed. Had this distinct feeling that this is not going to be a good vibed trip. Again, i ignored myself. Got to meet the other people joining the exodus to galera. Lets call them Tangkad and Mr Frosty. Tangkad was ok. Quiet, unassuming sorta fellow. Mr Frosty was a different matter. The moment i laid my eyes on him, dislike at first site. Putting my genuine-non-plastic social skills to work, i opened up. Asked them basic stuff: age, where from, work, etc, etc. Tangkad answered in a shy manner. Mr Frosty had this matter-of-fact-ms-thang-isang-tanong-isang-sagot manner of answering. Didnt sit well with me, mr frosty's way of answering, but hell, who cares right?

-Bus Ride to Batangas port-

One loong bus ride. left kinda late, so traffic was there. It was ok coz i was sitting beside Cool Guy. Again, became the friendly guy im not, made small talk with Perk Boy, Tangkad, Cool Guy and Mr Frosty. Iba talaga si Mr Frosty. All answers from him were short and curt. Isang-tanong-isang-sagot at its finest. Whats up his ass?, i thought. Pero ayus lang.. Tuloy ang ligaya.

-Boat Ride to Galera-

Nothing to make kwento here. We all slept most of the way.

-Galera- (may laman laman ng ito)

Finally, after 4 hours or more sitting, we arrived at galera. Not much people as i expected but the smell of bookings was in the air. The eyes of my companions were allover the place. The usual me, indifferent to everything, eyes set on someone (tanginaaaa... can this get any sappier??? hahahaha). Went house hunting first. Cool guy took the lead. That was when i noticed "something" between Cool guy and Mr Frosty. Well, sa simula palang smelled something in the air na. But didnt think anything of it kasi Cool Guy said ganyan sila magkulitan. So ayus lang. Then in galera, Mr Frosty was todo asikaso kay Cool Guy. Ma waglit lang sa paningin, tawag ito agad. Ako naman figured "ah... siguro they have something going on now...Dang! dagdag competiion ito... Ayus lang.. kaya to"... Blah blah blah blah (insignificant details ang mga "blah blah blah"... hehehehe). Naka hanap rin ng bahay. Settled in. And started to get high (Thank God in heaven for marijuana!!!!!.. made all the difference). Total naman I was, technically the odd-one-out in that group, naging friendly ulit ako. Asked more stuff, made kwento more stuff.. Basta, totally un-pio moves. (ito na ang karne!!!! hanep sa disclaimer eh noh). Nagka 1-on-1 kami ni Mr Frosty. As usual, curt short answers parin siya. Which was starting to annoy me. Like, there i was, miserably trying my best to establish, say a connection between us two, and he was still being the ice queen. Got fed up, so i said "oh parang interview na 'to, ikaw nalang magtanong. Ask anything, religion, politics, kahit bastos. Ayus lang".. He then asked me about my past. So ako naman, todo kwento. Then after my long story, he said his rather short one. Mentioned his ex's Hudas, Barabas, Hestas, and Cool guy (1st 3 names are not real, cant think of any substitute kasi.. heheheheh). Define luwa mata. As in my eyes almost popped outta my head upon hearing na ex pala niya si cool guy. Wapak! panalo diba! Awkward feeling at its finest.

Grabe, totally felt alone at that time. On an island with almost total strangers. Hews the clincher. Mr Frosty, after seeing my reaction on his revelation plastered on my oh so animated face, he became un-frosty. As in, biglang chikahan portion kami. -lets skip the mellow drama moment ko-. Basta, sobrang awkward time for me, felt alone, cornered, out numbered, and duped, i did another un-pio act. I left. Kakaiba noh? Ako nag back out sa "competition".

Well, i decided to leave was for the good of all. Knowing what a total prick i can be, i didnt want to hassle the other people on the trip. Didnt want to suck the fun out of the air. Bad vibes na ako nun. Sobrang bad vibes. Eh ako, pag binad trip mo, babadtripin din kita. Total im in a foul mood, im gonna make sure that all of you will be in one too. Parang "binadtrip nyo ako, pwes mabadtrip na tayong lahat!" . Thats me, but total naman im trying all sorts of new stuff, i didnt go there. Left without much funfare. Hmm.... Maybe im growing up afterall..

-Back to Manila-

Ito na ang highlight ng mala nobelang kwentong ito!!!!! This is the crowning glory of this whole inane blather...Caught the last trip back to Batangas. Buti nalang naka habol pa ako! Kundi, minus!! Wala akong titirahan!!! would rather sleep in a mosquito infested shanty than go crawling back to the place we rented like a sniveling idiot.. Anyway... moving along, I was on the boat na. Waiting for it to fill up. Oo na, was hoping na cool guy would go after me. Pero syempre wala. Kape! Well, its not a crime to dream diba. As the boat eased its way out, may biglang bumagasak! Believe it or not, i started crying like an injured pup! Totally not me!!! Hell, the last time i cried was during my dad's cremation 3 yrs ago. Ewan ko kung bakit ako naiyak. Felt bad and utterly down that time. Try as i might, ayaw tumigil ng luha. At ito pa! Tumulo uhog ko!!!!! Ibang klase gboy!!!!!! As in there was uhog factors involved in my little spectacle back on the boat. Odd, at that time I was so oblivious with everyone and everything around me. Not sure if anyone saw my very appalling specter. Gawd! must have looked awful. Big red nose, crying matang sisiw eyes.... JAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Sa hinaba haba ng kwento ko, tungkol lang pala sa pag iyak sa bangka ang laman. Anak ng?!? Hindi ko nalang dineretso eh noh??

Plus: Crying felt goood!

Minus: Mas mahaba pa ang total byahe ko compared sa pag singhot ko ng hangin sa Galera.

Got a taste of saltwater though.... There was this big wave that hit the right side of the boat, drenching the passengers at that side, including me. At least nadampian ako ng tubig alat for that trip. Hehehehe.

Who Did I Kill In My Past Life


I am a strong believer of karma... You know, the one that goes back to you 3 fold after doing something good or nasty..

For that, it makes me wonder.. What crime did i do or who the hell did I kill in my past life for having such bad karma??? (in relationships that is). Im a good boy naman ah (hala lagot! buhatin ba ang sariling bangko?? teeh-hee). Yeah, I know I do have my moments as prima bitchesa and the ass hole. Hey, we all have moments like this. But seriously, I am a good guy. Alam nyo yan! (galit? hehehe).

What made me realize or think about who did i kill in my past life is, as usualy, another failed attempt to have a serious relationship. For someone who has had a fucking streak of bad luck when it comes to this, i amaze myself. I still get hurt. As in.

To make things worse, I did every concievable thing to make the damn thing work. Stretched my patience to the utmost limit. Held my tounge when i wanted to make a blistering comment on something hes done, controlled my temper even though I wanted to errupt like Mt Vesuvious. Did everything he asked me to, even though I dont normally do it. Lets not even begin with the sex part, but to give you an idea, think ICE QUEEN, frigid is the word.To top it all, I gave way, say 99% of the time. Para lang wala kaming problema.

Now the clincher, nagsawa siya sakin. Bwakanginang yan!!! He had the audacity to say such a thing. Gawd! Parang ako yata ang dapat magsabi nun. Hindot. If anyone should be getting sick and tired of whats happening, It should be me. But no! Being the good guy that i am (hala lagot, ito nanaman siya oh.. hehehe).

What the fuck, right? You did everything to make things run smoothly, and what do I get, CRAP. Crap in my face (eeww..).


Im not carping about what happened. Nor regret the turn of events. Just wanted to take this thing of my head... Bewildered am I from what transpired in the past 24 hours...

Its hard to be the one carrying the relationship. Its hard to pretend everything is ok. Its hard to swallow (not that heheh) your pride, its hard to give way all the time. But you will do everything for the guy that you love. Everything would be ok, kahit barya lang ang bigay niya. Kaso hindi eh. You (well it me actually, not you), barely felt being love. Yeah, he had his brief moments of being sweet (thats becacuse he knows im really pissed off). ah ewan. Malas lang talaga ako when it comes to this.

Well, as they say, What doesnt kill you or me, will only make you stronger but makes me more jaded. Hahahaha!

3some coosome

Went out to get some air last night. As usual it was at Starbucks Gateway, the place i normally go to cool down. Yesterday afternoon was yet another "init-ulo" episode. The usual reason this past 2 weeks.

I like Starbucks Gateway. Its not that bustling and yet not that dead quiet either. Havent been there for quite some time. The baristas there are some sort of my friends. Lalo na yung isa. Hehehe. Thats another story.

As I was simmering in one of there benches outside, smoking my lungs out, with a scowl on my face (gawd! this might get permanent!), blankly staring into nothing, a guy came up to me and asked "Mind if I sit down?". With furrowed brows I looked if there were other vacant seats. To my dismay, wala. Although I didnt want to share my table, i figured, what the fuck, he is kinda cute anyway and had the wiff of something fishy (landi talaga! hahaha), so I just vaguely waved my hand and barely audibly uttered "yeah sure, whatever". After a few minutes, another guy arrived with their drinks (not bad looking either..hmmm). Based on how the first guy's face lit up when the other guy arrived, they were apparently partners. I gave an inward groan "tang ina, nananadya ba talaga??!"

As the 2nd guy approached, he was polite to ask me "dude, ok lang if we share your table?". Even though i wanted to be alone,i just gave a barely perceptible shrug and a curt tungo of the head, hell his partner was already sitting there and there were no seat available (note that even though im not social to strangers normaly, much more if im in a foul mood, im not rude).

Minding my own business, I just sipped my fave drink (venti strawberries and cream, no whip) and was going through more than half of my first pack of yosi patay-sindi , fumigating my side of the table, when out of the blue 2nd guy asked me "dude, are you ok?". Brows furrowing, defense mode up, "yeah" was all i said. Then 1st guy aked "may problema ba? mukhang gusto mo mang bigwas ng tao eh. at easy lang sa yosi". I was about to deliver a blistering retort but their cute smiles stopped me short (hala lagot! malandi!!! hahahaha). 2nd guy then introduced themselves. And thats when i got to know Gino (first guy) and Allen/Al (2nd guy) a happy couple.

Friendly people they are. Under normal circumstances, i dont talk to strangers, but with these guys, i became friendly. Probably because they were nice, polite and their smiles were genuine and maybe i wanted to forget whats eating me. At first it was isang tanong-isang sagot but later on, i loosened up with Gino's corny jokes and Al's smart quips. Their laughs were infectous. Havent had a good laugh for quite sometime. After the ritual getting-to-know-you routine and when we were all comftable with each other, Al popped the question which i dreaded for them to ask. "want to have sex with us?" hahahaha! nah, not that question (theyre not into open relationship thingy.. the thought floated in my head though...), he asked "whats seems to be the problem?" Not wanting to rant on whats bothering me, i tried (though unsuccesfully) to divert the topic.

I asked them instead, "what gave you the idea na may problema ako?" It was halatang halata daw. "Im pissed off" was written allover my face and i had barely contained hostility when they approached. Jahe!! hahahaha! And i was smoking like a chimney. Well, they caught me. Might as well bring the cat out of the bag. I narrated the events that took place the past month or so. Whats good with telling it to complete strangers is they are not tainted with biases (like my barkada who would automatically take my side in any situation). They did not judge me or that person. Its universal however when they said that why should i care for someone who obviously doesnt care how i feel? If that person doesnt think about how you feel with his words or actions, obviously does not care. Bakit ganon i asked them. They didnt know the answer. Only i daw can answer that.

We spent the whole night til closing time talking and laughing. Had a great time with those two dudes. Im thankful that even though they didnt know me, they took the time to cheer me up. Nothing new came out of there advices though. Coz ive been hearing them quite a number of times now. Except for one thing, they said its ok to loathe that person. Its all but normal. Gino started to say something that sounded charismatic which almost made my eyes roll skyward but it didnt. He said, "If God can forgive, 7 times 777 (or something), why cant we?" and he went on saying that "but were not God. God can forgive because He's God". Wow. that was profound. Tama nga naman.

Aba aba, novela ito! hahahahaha! alam kong wala kayong pakialam, gusto ko lang i-share... bwahahaha

Hala lagot!?!!!


My temper the past week can be described as simmering, in a rolling boil to seething. All because I am or was pissed off. I snap with the smallest remark to me. Its been one of the most grueling weeks for me in my entire adult life. Emotionally that is.

The usually suplado yet sunny disposition I have, became irritable and waspish. Not a pretty site. I had this scowl fixed on my face (its true, frowning is tiring.. what more a scowl..). I was in a very, very fetid mood. Everyone in my immediate vicinity were targets of my ire. Family, friends, officemates, even total strangers.

But life has its own way of telling us, “What the fuck?? Umayos ka nga?!!”. Sometimes its subtle, there are times it comes like a raging bull, and there are times when its just down-right hilarious that its like a splash of ice cold water on your warm balls (that feeling would surely jolt you back to your senses).

My wake-up call from my stupor or despondent state came to me this morning on my way home from work. Was not in the mood to wait in line for the FX so I decided to take the cab. Running low on cash flow, I got off a few blocks away from our street. I had to cross a busy street so while waiting for the traffic to slow down, I took out my kaha of smokes and got a stick. As I was about to put the stick of Marlboro lights in my mouth, a greasy woman (taong grasa) came up to me and said “Boss, akin nalang yan”. Without batting an eye or changing the scowl on my face, I handed it to her. What lightened up my mood that morning was when she actually posed for me to light the yosi for her. With a smirk, I did light her yosi. “Aba, ayus ah. iba ka” was the thought in my head. After her first drag, she thanked me (here comes the whole point of this story… ang tagal noh?) and said “Wag ka na magalit sa kanya. OK na yun.” Literally my jaw dropped. The only thing I uttered was “Hala lagot!”. Before I could ask her what does she mean, she was off sashaying in the busy street. She almost got hit though she didn’t mind at all.

The whole point of this rant is, was my anger really, as in really that obvious that even a deranged woman can tell? Her remark left me standing at the curb dumbfounded. And then it hit me. Why do I have to be pissed off? What’s the point? Will things turn to my favor if I stay mad? No. Will it bring me any good? Obviously not. While walking home, again I realized that I myself hate myself when I’m mad. What more the people around me. Why should I spread my poison to those who truly love me? Diba?

And for that, as much I grudgingly didn’t want to do it (because of my pride), inayos ko na ulit. Though I don’t know what will happen now that I did, at least I wouldn’t be consumed with my anger and hatred anymore. I did my move. I think its high time for me to wait for the next.